Big Ben Frank and the Accident of Kopi Luwak, A Christmas Miracle.

December 26, 2016
Posted in Featured, Humor
December 26, 2016 Juddy Allen

Big Ben Frank and the Accident of Kopi Luwak, A Christmas Miracle.

This is the tale of Big Ben Frank’s accidental introduction of a certain variety of coffee to the world at large. Though not popular at first, for what will be an obvious reason, it has become the premiere brand of superior, delicious, coffee.

Ben, sitting on his porch taking a sweat bath, pondered the entirety of his science and wished that he had provided the world with something that was just for pleasure–a self-indulgence. Ben’s bath wasn’t going quite as expected, as a good sweat is hard to muster in early December.  His heavy drinking helped some with the sweat, if not with the coherent thought.  Behind him, inside the house, there were several experiments going on, helped along by his friend, Lo Fou Showbowwow, or something extremely close to that, (Ben had trouble pronouncing the name even when he was stone cold sober; in his drunken state it was impossible). Lo Fou was visiting from somewhere in Asia.  He came for diplomatic reasons; he stayed for the science.

After an undisclosed amount of time, and far too much whiskey, Ben decided that sitting outside in mid-teen temps, half-naked might not be the best idea, and that it was time to get back to bending the world to his will. As he strolled inside the house, he was greeted first by his cat, an all-American, short-haired, fighter tabby, named Cocky McPete. Ben called him Cesium for short. Though Ben was allergic to cats, he deemed the relationship worth the trouble, plus he could shave him during the summer months. “Nothing is better than a shaved pussy.”  He loved that joke. Chuckled every time.

Behind the cat, came Lo.  “Mr. Franklin, why don’t you put on some clothes so that we may continue our experiments.”

Ben pet his cat, and nodded to his friend.  “I literally, have no idea what you just said, but I let’s do it.”

The experiments of the night were many–building a better battery, recording the effects of hunger on various farm animals, and constructing a fabric that would hug the body without reducing flexibility and still look pimp.

“Ben, Sir, are we going to be be focusing on the battery for a while?” Lo asked.  “I must say it’s very late, and its becoming difficult to focus.  Perchance we should continue in the morning once we sleep it off, I mean, get some sleep.”

Ben stood up as straight as he could.  “I have no damn idea, what you just said, but dammit Floushober, your dedication to science is a sight to behold.”

Ben reached for the copper, wishing to coil it as tight as he could with his hands. The tedious work was made more difficult by Cesium’s constant whining, who had been included in the farm animal hunger experiment that had ended up being more of a pain than anything.  The cat wouldn’t shut up, the duck had died an hour ago, and the goat kept trying to eat Ben’s newly invented pimp fabric. Tomorrow night’s activity would need to be limited to one experiment.  Or Ben would need to drink a lot less.

“Push through,” Ben thought, tightening the coil, when suddenly pain shot through his lower leg. He looked down, sure that his calf had caught on fire. It had not, but there was a cat attached to his leg, its angry eyes telling him something. Ben didn’t speak cat, he barely spoke Lo Fou, but he did know that look. Cesium had let his hunger take him as surely as the drink had taken the napping Lo.  Cesium had failed him.  Lo had failed him.  And, if Ben was honest, the night had taken its toll on him as well–he was beginning to fail himself.  Another three or four hours of hard labor and he would be unable to science.

“Mr. Franklin, I fear I may have drank more than I’m used to,” Lo said suddenly.  “I am unable to persist at this hour.  I shall see you in the morning, Good Sir.”

“That’s brilliant Lofloshumss! We need coffee.  Coffee will allow the coffee n science to continue. Good show, friend!”

Ben stumbled into the kitchen and spent several minutes trying to drunken bear paw a bag of those fragrant beans off of the counter and into his hands.  His perseverance paid off, as it always does for winners, and before long he had had four brown bags of premium coffee resting in his eight hands.  It was at this point that Ben, being brilliant, recognized that his ability to function effectively had come to a halt and he had better lay down for a moment.  His plan, a brilliant one at that, was to squat down to the floor slowly and use the coffee as a pillow.  The smell would be nice to wake up to.  “Just lay it down, Ben, just lay it down.” he chanted.  But, the squat turned into a collapse and his head hit the floor with a thud, the beans spilling across the kitchen.  Close enough, he thought.

Ben awoke, his eyes crusty, his head thumping, and his shriveled up tongue showing signs of dehydration. Ignoring all of that nonsense, he inhaled deeply, relying on the sweet smell of coffee to bring him back to life.  But, instead of coffee, a different pungent odor met his olfactory.  A quick look around showed that the coffee had disappeared, and in its place lay several nuggets of cat crap, smelling vaguely of caffeine, and oddly not that bed.
“Oh no! Cesium, why, why?” Ben exclaimed.

Ben was in quite the pickle.  His body required coffee to live, and soon his Asian friend would wake up and need the same.  He was unsure what to do, but knew that decisiveness was always what the doctor always ordered.  Being a scientist, he reasoned that the coffee he so desperately needed was still right there in front of him, if in a slightly different form.  Necessity is indeed the mother.

The smell was unlike anything he had experience, and as the water boiled the smell filled his house with its odoriferous melody. Science had indeed been done last night–starve a cat until it gets hungry enough to eat coffee beans. The result is a smell that is both pleasant, and disgusting, and pleasantly disgusting.  Ben was pouring the first cup of coffee when Lo stumbled into the kitchen

“Good morning Mr. Franklin, your American coffee smells wonderful and it roused me from my sleep.”

Ben, looking down at the cup full of black mystery, thought to himself, “For science.”

“Here, friend, you can have the first cup.”

Lo drank it down greedily, stopping only to say how enjoyable it was. Lo pleaded with Ben to pass along the recipe, to share the knowledge, to give him the ability to take this gift around the world. Ben agreed such things cannot be shielded from the people of the world.

“It’s cat crap coffee, My cat ate the coffee, and I used it’s shit to make science.”

The rest is history.  Lo took the technique and, upon returning to Asia, gave it the name Kopi Luwak. Today, all one has to do is a quick internet search to kopi luwak and 5-7 business days later enjoy some delicious coffee gifted to us by science.

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Juddy Allen

Avid history enthusiast, especially when drunk, and ranting about liberals. I served in the war, don't you worry about which one. 8 years in the navy did things to me. I refuse to talk to someone when pee'ing, them or me, I often have the urge to check if they're getting it into the bottle. I can hold a note singing for 7 minutes.
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