Our Nation’s History as it Really Happened

December 8, 2016
Posted in Featured, Humor
December 8, 2016 Juddy Allen

Our Nation’s History as it Really Happened

Too few people are aware of the caliber of men that founded this great nation of ours. Over the years it has become a hobby and passion of mine to scour journals, transcripts, and eye witness accounts of what these great men were really like.

I have put together a collection of, well, little snippets that will provide insight into their lives, into who they really were. These men, these titans, that made America possible, were men of such importance, they have shaped and molded our culture. I wish to share with you some true stories of how these men, and women built what is known as AMERICA.

There are many terms and slangs we use today, the uninformed think them new, not so. As an example, I will share with you the story of how the term “Bitch Please” came into popularity.

Our story starts in Mt. Vernon, Virginia. Mr. and Mrs Washington were sitting on the porch enjoying an unseasonably warm spring evening. The lovely Mrs. Washington was in the middle snapping green beans in half, and throwing them into a large bucket of water because its what her mother did, and her mother’s mother before her. George was lamenting the fact he had never killed John Adams. John had several times attempted to kill him, in his unrelenting quest for power.

All for naught, as he was voted into power soon after George had decided to retire. It bothered George to his last days, he ever let such insolence go unpunished.
At this age, George would often have to relax his jaw as clenching his jaws to keep his wooden dentures in check would often leave him looking as if he has a countenance of pure anger. It was not anger but pain, as George was about to ask his wife why exactly she threw all the bean halves into a giant bucket, when he spotted Tommy J (also known as Thomas Jefferson), strolling up the hill. The surprise of such a visit, a visit from the man who sided with his nemesis, was great. George’s mouth was agape with shock, perhaps he was here to finally do him in, Tommy J was certainly man enough. Tommy J had fought with Big Ben Frank in the eight sided ring and lived to tell the tale, a rare feat indeed.

The consequence of George’s mouth being open, was unfortunately, the loss in control of his wooden teeth. As George looked as his wife in shock his dentures shot out, and struck the lovely Mrs. Washington in the temple. A long distance bite if you will. Her reaction was one of shock and awe, never mind that handsome stranger coming up the hill. She looked at her husband with an incredulous look. Realizing his wife thought what had transpired was on purpose, he belted out in angry defense,
“bitch please, that weren’t on purpose!”

Tommy J realizing now might not be the best time to plead with George to come back to the world of politics, and end the dreadful John Adams’ reign. He decided perhaps Big Ben Frank should be the one to shoulder the burden of killing Adams.

Walking away Tommy J allowed himself a chuckle, even a man of G.W.’s stature would still have to give reason for biting his wife. As he rounded what looked like a deformed cherry tree chopped and shredded, he laughed aloud, and blurted out “bitch please” and thus the adage, the idiom, the mantra, was born.

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Juddy Allen

Avid history enthusiast, especially when drunk, and ranting about liberals. I served in the war, don't you worry about which one. 8 years in the navy did things to me. I refuse to talk to someone when pee'ing, them or me, I often have the urge to check if they're getting it into the bottle. I can hold a note singing for 7 minutes.
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