Thomas Jefferson: Political Mastermind or Street-Smart Thug?

December 12, 2016
Posted in Featured, Humor
December 12, 2016 Juddy Allen

Thomas Jefferson: Political Mastermind or Street-Smart Thug?

Born in the year 1743, Thomas Jefferson was born in to a rather well to do family, in comparison to many of our founding fathers anyway. Thomas’ early life was rough. The little scamp would act out against his fathers money, wanting to forge his own path in life, while his father wanted a nerdy little twerp who did little but read books. Thomas wanted the adventure on the high seas, he wished to be a pirate magician, the kind of swashbuckler the world had not yet seen.

However, at age 14, fate dealt Thomas a raw deal. His father Peter died an untimely death, throwing any plans of high seas magical adventure out the proverbial window. Peter Jefferson’s death crushed Thomas, the guilt of never reading anything other than Gulliver’s Travels tore at his spirit. He swore two sacred oaths the day of his father’s funeral.

1. To find out the details of his death, and avenge him, if need be. That is to say, if he fell off a cliff then the death would then be immediately avenged, as one cannot carry-out vengeance upon gravity. (Thats actually almost verbatim, as Tommy J. was known to get wordy.)

2. Read every damned book ever written, even the smutty ones.

At the age of 21, Thomas Jefferson finally took full control of his inherited properties, and he also found out the mystery behind his fathers death. It turned out his father acquired much of his riches by fighting, but not street fighting; fighting in what was known as, The Eight Sided Fight Ring. Peter Jefferson had died in the ring against a man known as “The Mechanic”, whose tag line “once he grabs your crankshaft its game over!” left little to the imagination on what kind of pain he would inflict upon those who challenged him.

Thomas had training to do. Since money was no problem he enlisted the best fighters from around the world to prepare him for what would be the fight of his life, and what provided the catalyst sparking the most explosive political maneuvers the world will ever see. During his training years, Thomas would fight during the day’s light, and study books by reading them at night. He learned all he could about the Eight Sided Fight Ring.

Thomas knew only the most influential of people were invited to spectate at these events. At that time, they had been going on for 30 years, deciding the fates of kings and noblemen around the world. His journals detailed his fright when he discovered who was reigning champion, none other than Big Ben Frank himself -a man who rose to the highest levels of power, second to none, as Grand Marshal Overlord of the Post Office, only to give it up, and go do something else (usually involving a woman).

With his funds being depleted, revenge would have to take a back seat for a while.  Master assassins were rather expensive to employ. Thomas decided, he would take on a job that paid well, and potentially give him access to the criminal underbelly of the world. He went on to become a lawyer.

During this time Thomas took on many high profile cases usually involving celebrities of the time – those were the ones that paid the big bucks. These years served as inspiration of many television shows we enjoy today.  Raymond Burr is often quoted as saying “I have no idea who Thomas Jefferson is”,  but everyone knows Raymond Burr sucks. Seriously, fuck that guy.




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Juddy Allen

Avid history enthusiast, especially when drunk, and ranting about liberals. I served in the war, don't you worry about which one. 8 years in the navy did things to me. I refuse to talk to someone when pee'ing, them or me, I often have the urge to check if they're getting it into the bottle. I can hold a note singing for 7 minutes.
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