Cleaning Bitch

January 1, 2017
Posted in Humor
January 1, 2017 Juddy Allen

Cleaning Bitch

As I sit here at Preuss Podcast headquarters, my heart is heavy, full of anger. You see, I now must admit I have a mortal enemy. I wish her death; she is vile beyond words, and cruel to the point of absurdity.

Things started off innocently enough, as they always do. A certain pet peeve of mine kept being exploited, not a big deal mind you, just something I’d rather go through life without having to deal with.. Some things in life can be an annoyance, and some things push you off the edge of socially accepted behavior.

The whore that cleans our office, which, should be known simply as cleaning bitch, keeps leaving the bathroom door open. She wedges the door with some sort of rubber contraption. (I believe she does this so she can listen to the echo of those that pee.) Time and time again, I go to find solace in the bathroom. After my morning coffee, there is nothing better than to take a little squat and pee in peace

I have no peace, however. The door is always ajar. The door is open and inviting all the while the female head is closed tight like Fort Knox. I have a full day of analyzing stuff, left wing, right wing, all kinds of wings as well as testing out the latest tech.

This morning, as I walked into the office, I was accosted by a rather large woman. Who is it that surprised me? Who has the power to shift my inner peace? Why, none other than cleaning bitch.

“Oh, I haven’t seen you in a dogs age.” She gasped at me, in her raspy voice. (No doubt from huffing, all those wonderful supplies she carts around.)

I wasn’t ready, my now distraught psyche, could only go for the throat. “A measurement of time, you know all too well, no doubt.”

Then! then, she says “You’ve put on weight.”

She said that, to me, You, you bitch..You tortuously trite impish little hell hound..How dare you..I could only eek out, “Well, my weight has fluctuated, on account of the holidays and, you know winter.”

I was diffused, flabbergasted, …undone.

“Keep on a trying honey, you’ll fit into those skinny jeans this year.” Then she laughed, and shuffled off.

I think, this is the first time I’d lost a direct encounter to her. I’d started off too strong. The dog years bit was a grand slam obviously, but I was over-confident. Never underestimate your enemy.

My spirits are high for 2017 though. Spring brings new life, and new beginnings. This shall be the year I break her, but for now, well played cleaning bitch. Well played indeed. Skinny jeans..haaaaaaaaa!!!! bitch. This year is going to be a blast.




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Juddy Allen

Avid history enthusiast, especially when drunk, and ranting about liberals. I served in the war, don't you worry about which one. 8 years in the navy did things to me. I refuse to talk to someone when pee'ing, them or me, I often have the urge to check if they're getting it into the bottle. I can hold a note singing for 7 minutes.
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